This is my Akeldema.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. (Scary, I know.) I've been thinking about life and all that's going on. It has really been one CRAZY semester, and it's even crazier that it's over. I have one semester left of high school. Woahhhh.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about how much God has been working on me and growing me. It's led me to think about the His faithfulness, and just the sheer craziness of where He's brought me the past two or three years.

Last summer, around the time that I made this blog, God introduced me to the idea of the Akeldema. Since it's not a very commonly-known idea, I'll explain it a little more. "Akeldema" is Hebrew for "field of blood." It's used in Acts 2, talking about Judas Iscariot killing himself in this field of blood, feeling so guilty about his betrayal of Jesus. When I first read this, it kind of struck me. I thought about it more and more, and over the course of the next few weeks, God kind of formed this idea in my head.

Bear in mind, I'm not taking this for any special revelation, Biblically accurate, etc... but as a metaphor to represent our spiritual condition.

Before we knew Jesus, the Bible says we were DEAD in our transgressions. This being said, I kind of have a vision of someone in their own "field of blood", trying to kill themselves, but just an endless cycle. Nothing but pain, agony, and death.

But then Romans 5 talks about how Jesus died for us while we were still sinners (I realize this is not a new concept for most). But then I get a vision of Jesus taking our place in our Akeldema. Him taking on our sins, but coming out on top. Our death CAN NOT beat Him. Craziness.

I realize this is a new concept for most, so let me share some lyrics that God kind of wrote through me, that should make this "metaphorical vision" a little less hazy for you.

This Is My Akeldema

Horror and pain,

All I see is shame

I’ve got myself to blame.

How long will this last?

Alone and dying,

I just want it to end

But yet I keep going further

I can’t stop.

There’s nothing but red,

This mess I’ve made

My unclean hands before me

My only release.

I slay myself,

Over and over

There could be nothing after this

My worst nightmare.

Is there no escape?

Where does this end?

I cry to nobody

Someone help.

One more blow,

I look below

Is this my refuge?

This blood-stained grass?

As the light begins to fade

I realize I’m leaving

Surely there can be nothing worse

Let it be.

I raise my weapon

One last time

The nail in the coffin

To end this once and for all

But then it’s gone

I feel it leave

My cries have ceased

Can this really be?

A man in white

My Savior comes

To take my place

My own field of blood

Peace and nothing but

This feeling, relief

I’m looking on to my Rescuer

Giving His life

But then He’s here

My death couldn’t beat Him

My life now His

I am not my own

I’m the desperate

You’re the Savior

Be thou my vision

O Ruler of All

It's kind of crazy the stuff that God puts in my head. I'm not sure if this is just pointless rambling, but I thought I'd share it anyways. Hope it gives you a good picture of God's love and sacrifice on our behalf. He is so good! Colossians 1:13 sums it up perfectly by saying this: "He has delivered us from the domain and darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

It's a crazy concept, to say the least.

I'm out.

CRT13

The Little Things

Ya know those days? Those days where things seem to be going decently, nothing bad happening. Nothing to worry about, just another day. But then something happens. That something just to set you off. No warning, just happens. And it absolutely strikes the biggest nerve.

That was my day. Nothing going on. Just chillin. I was about to go to Savers and chill with a few people with my brother. We were driving down Chenal Parkway, and we were just passing Walmart when our car started pumping and putzing out. Now we have an '87 Honda, so we're used to the pumping. It pumped for about thirty seconds (longer than it usually did), so Chris and I were kind of worrying. It stopped, and everything was good again. But then, as we were turning right onto Bowman, our car completely stopped. We were kind of freaking out at this point. So we got it as far as we could, and then I got out and had to push it around thirty-five feet into the nearest parking spot in Taco Bell.

So our car died. The twenty-three year-old ObamaNader finally bit the dust. No warning. No nothing. Just a dead car in the middle of the Taco Bell parking lot. Nothing else slowed down or died. Just my stupid car. I still have plans. I still have stuff to do. Just no way to do it now.

So needless to say I was pretty pissed. I let out a few choice words (not the best, I realize) and totally let it eat at me for the next half an hour or so. But then, thanks to my brother and some other stuff, I realized how stupid I was being. Here I am, in good health, with a good family, complaining about a dead car. The fact that I even had a car to drive (no matter how old) in the first place is a gift from God. There are so many eighteen year-olds like me around the world that don't have a car to drive. They don't have anything. I went to Africa just this last summer and witnessed poverty in a way that I will never forget. And here I am, freaking complaining because my car died and letting it completely ruin my day. I was acting like a freaking jerk. I was completely letting this circumstantial thing get the better of me and rob me of my joy.

This is a big deal. I have spent the last two weeks telling people how much God has been teaching and growing me. And then something so small in the scope of eternity happens, and I freak. What a freaking HYPOCRITE. God is so much bigger than a dead car. Although I might have been caught off-guard by it, Jesus wasn't. I spend so much time telling God how sovereign He is. And then something like that happens and I basically say, "God, how is this happening? I thought you were in control and now something bad happens to me!" There are so many things wrong with this!!!

I teach a group of sixth-graders at my church, and two weeks ago we were talking about selfishness. Bearing this in mind, there's contradiction numero uno in me. I tell my sixth-graders not to be selfish and how bad it is, but then I get mad because God let something "bad" happen to me. Like the whole freaking world revolves around me.

Contradiction numero dos: I tell people how much God is teaching me and how much I'm learning and growing. But then I let the little things of life like this get to me. I act like the world is ending, but I still have a Savior who loves me. God is still good. He let this happen. Yeah, it might suck right now and inconvenience me a little bit, but why in the freaking world does it matter?! There could be so many bigger and so much worse things happening. My friends' house just burned down last night. They lost everything. Literally. Somebody our family knows is lying in a hospital bed right now, and his parents are wondering if he will live until tomorrow. And I complain because my car died.

I guess I'm just writing all this to say that I've still got SUCH a long way to go. Yes, God is working in me and making me more like Himself. He is, and thank God that He is. But something like this makes me realize that we will never stop learning. And it makes me so much more aware of our sin nature and fleshly desires, and how critical it is that we DIE to those desires every second of every day. Something like this always has a tendency to put me down and only dwell on how screwed up I am. But this case is kind of different. In this case I'm hopeful. And thankful. I hold hope in the fact that God is still working on me. And I feel such gratitude that He still puts up with me. I guess He really is growing me. I might be a broken idiot, but God is most definitely refining me. Hallelujah.

I guess that's enough rambling for now.

I'm out.

CRT13

Thankful.

I guess it's that time again. It's kind of crazy that Thanksgiving has already rolled around once more. It's wild to think that this is my nineteenth Turkey Day. It's so easy to get overwhelmed with the things that come with this day... Turkey, football, turkey, family, sentimentality, turkey, friends, Black Friday shopping, and more turkey. Not to say that any of those are bad, obviously. But I think we sometimes miss the real meaning behind this holiday.

Thanksgiving is called what it's called for a reason. It is a day to give thanks. To remember all that we have been blessed with, and to take a moment and appreciate it and recognize the One who has blessed us. It's so easy to take for granted everything that we have. Thanksgiving should be a reality check that we CAN NOT DO THAT. We have been given too much to take a speck of it for granted.

I know that this mostly sounds like conservative rambling, but I'm getting to a point, I promise. I was kind of hit with a realization tonight. I was just browsing Facebook, creeping on whoever, when I read a status that said "I have so much to be thankful for." I kinda liked it, so I commented on it and agreed and all that stuff, but then went on my way, creeping along. But then that thought came back to me. I know it's cliche, but then it struck me. WE HAVE GOT SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR. God has blessed us with so much more than we deserve. I love the verse "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of change." (James 1:17). It's such a great reminder of WHO has blessed us.

The number one thing that we have been blessed with is Jesus Christ Himself. A Savior who loves us, forgives us, and lavishes grace after grace after grace upon us. So often I overlook the fact that I am who I am, and I live because, and only because of Jesus. This in itself is so much more than any of us deserve. I have been reading Romans lately and while in chapter five, I came across this verse: "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (verse 8). I was tempted to just keep on reading, but the truth of that statement wouldn't let me. This verse should BLOW ME AWAY. We humans are all disgusting, depraved, broken sinners. WE DESERVE NOTHING. But Jesus, in His mercy, spared us by giving up HIS life to atone for transgressions. Not because of anything we did, but because of His grace.

If nothing else, we have that to be thankful for.

But God hasn't stopped there. He chose to bless me with so much even beyond that. He has given me an incredible family that loves me, a place to sleep and come home to, an able and working mind, an able and working body, and people that actually genuinely care about me. Just to name a few. These are things that He has given me, but He also extends to me something far deeper than any of those I just named. He has offered to use me. To involve me in His plan to draw people to Himself and make known the Kingdom of God. He doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, need me, but He offers to use me. He has recently given me the amazing opportunity to have a direct influence. I co-mentor a group of sixth grade guys, and it has been so incredible to see God work in so many different ways. And the fact that He chose to use me to accomplish some of this work, I can not put my mind around. Jesus is so good, and the more and more I realize that, the more and more purpose I find every day, and the more and more joy I find. Christ is our satisfaction, identity, and joy. INCREDIBLE.

I guess that's enough rambling. All that to say that, if you haven't already, count your blessings today/tomorrow. Take a moment and give thanks to the Lord for what He has done.

I'm out.

CRT13

On the horizon...

I finally got my computer! This should be the last stupid, pointless post. I'll actually start blogging here very soon! I'm excited to see what comes of this whole thing. I'll probably start by posting a few random journal entries that I wrote awhile ago, then get into present time when I get the hang of this whole thing. I'm actually pretty excited about it.

CRT13

Lately

Lately, I've been somewhat pressed for time. In result, my blog hasn't come into my mind since my last post. But that's OK. I should get my MacBook Pro in the next few days. So that means I can have my own computer to blog on. I'm pretty pumped about starting this. Well, I guess I'll update again when I get my MacBook.

I'm out.

CTUTT13

Oh, the days...

This Spring Break was really good.


I went with my family to Indianapolis. We got to see my sister and just have a good time. It was really good just to relax and chill. I finally met people that I've been talking with for a while. We went to Butler (my mom's old stompin' grounds) and saw Hinkle Fieldhouse and all that good stuff. Downtown Indy was awesome, just chillin and takin pictures and doin all that good stuff. It was just a great time, I guess. The car rides got pretty darn long, but it was a good way to spend some time in God's Word. Other than that, I just listened to music and slept. Did I the mention I got a new pair of TOMS? I got the charcoal woven ones with lime-green stitching. The best part? They were $18! We found them at a little place in Indy called The Toggery. It was pretty nifty.
Now we're back in Little Rock. Last night we just watched basketball and chilled. Today I might go into work. :/ I kinda hope I don't get that call... But if I do, I guess it's all good, because it's money. A few of my friends and I are supposed to have a movie night tonight, but if I go into work, that won't really work out. Eh, we'll see how it goes...

I'm out.

CRT13

The Beginning

I'm new to this.